Shes asked like this a few times. When a friend asks and I find out that I am busy I often offer some other day to show them that I am interested in hanging out with them. That said, I tend to think the person asked, they can damn well deal with the answer. This realization makes me like Tuesdays more.) Sorry, Im busy. LW was quite clear that the coercive uses of it are the problem that makes LW resentful, which is not at all an extreme response, but a healthy one. Thats possibly reasonable to do with a minor child, but youre still acting to preserve a parental level of dominance over her as an adult. Then I can pin them down on what, and when, without having pre-committed myself to some favor they were hinting at sideways. You know the people youre interacting with and their likely motivations better than we do, of course. What are you doing? You know the people youre interacting with and their likely motivations better than we do, of course, and definitely use the Captains scripts and bat the ball back across the net with I dont know, how about you? But I wonder if it would help to make these interactions less frustrating for you if you tried not to think of them as someone trying to get something from you that you dont want to give. For a close friend, you could answer more literally. I get what are you doing this weekend? or just what are you doing? on a Saturday morning. My response to that is usually a sassy Depends, why?. We received your email and will get back to you with a (human) response as soon as possible. 3. Id rather know the thing up front so I can answer it directlyare you free without telling me the activity feels like a setup. I can also see how always hearing a particular question before being asked a favor is going to start getting on your nerves. On the other end, I have a tactic for weekend planning. You may also eagerly seize on these options and/or provide some of your own., (2) Hey, Im looking for someone to cat-sit while Im out of town for the next three months. and the goal is to just be ok with letting them down when they are the ones who have set an unagreed demand on your time. Thats a great answer! What I usually say is, Not bad, not bad, how bout yourself?. Like I also find whatre you doing this weekend to be pretty normal but also can feel very intrusive, but if I had people in my life like the LWs who were using it to try to make me do things I didnt want to do while making it seem like they were not making me do things itd get to be a really irritating and hair-trigger question pretty fast. Apparently, social people use this question as a test to see if you are really one of them. You absolutely can. Find an answer. Its okay that I dont want to tell my coworkers the details of what Im reading and I get to choose who I want to share details of my life with. Or is there a better way to handle this? I can ask them on Monday how it was. The good news is that when you sense an ulterior motive or that an invitation is imminent you can answer Dunno, Id have to look at my calendar to say for sure. The first time I posted a little comment showed up saying that my comment was pending mod review since it was my first comment but I dont see one of those now. Its up there with things like when are you going back home? or how does xy work back home? and other similar questions asked to people perceived as foreign (mostly for racial reasons). It can still get extremely wearing through, and I do wish people would think more about when this conversation is appropriate and when Im maybe not up for answering a litany of questions that literally every stranger asks me (ie when Im obviously exhausted and struggling with four bags of groceries that I have to cart away on foot). Or you pretend to suddenly get involved in learning new cooking recipes, or working on your car, or doing competitive chess, or something that isnt a once-a-month kind of hobby. I dont think she feels disliked; theres really not a lot of conflict for us. Some people here do not really do much small talk, so even asking How are you? might lead to a long description of ones health. It follows the script they want, which is that the person they are targeting needs their approval of their reason for pleading off. I find that are you doing anything interesting this weekend? can come across as less pressuring than what are you doing this weekend? Not only does it focus the question onto peoples hobbies/interests, but the answer no, not really doesnt automatically mean that someone is free. Absolutely! Best of luck to you, dear LW! (My brother and sister in particular also had to learn from both their friends and myself that, just because they love me and love them doesnt mean that were all friends) I could only imagine if that question were followed by an expectation of service or freedom to assume I was going to a thing. That is my current standard response. It can be all consuming, leaving no time for askers invitations or request, or totally flexible and cancellable if there is something you would like to do. Thats kind of taking it 4 out of context to say they dont understand. parents of adult children pull this exact same rude little stunt, I am the parent of an adult child who is living at home, and I have been training myself since her teenhood to say, I would like to claim some of your time this weekend or I would like to ask a favor for this weekend, if youre available. or would you help me with X instead of are you busy? (OK, sometimes Ill say, Are you busy? This is a whole lot easier to get if you see someone do it, but here goes: First of all, your manner while doing this will be constant big beaming smiles of absolute certainty, with big cheery extrovert gestures and rather loud but happy and beamingly-positive voice mannerisms. (This could be walked back but it would require a decent amount of active displays of interest in me from the other person.). Them no problem, I hope things are going well for you. For the record, I will totally cat-sit for you. Read. And I agree that literally saying No, I dont want to get to know you better is a bit off. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?". Try to be kind and positive in your response. We teach children that they must answer questions put to them by adults, that they have no choice in the matter. So threatening to make her move out is just not wise. Indoor Cat says feeling unsafe would have been the most damaging to her relationships with her parents long term. Of course, you might have said that when you know that movie will be out for weeks and youd absolutely prefer to have an excuse to build a couch cushion fort and have an audience who is actually impressed by your terrible magic tricks, and no one wins. Him: Good. Lets get together. But you have never issued a direct invitation to me in your life. Because everybodys got something. No matter what I say its, okay, well I was just gonna see if you wanted to [actual invitation / request]. Life is filled with lots of required thing that some folks loathe and others either like or dont care either way. *Him: Hello, how are you? But Im not interested in any work-related socializing that eats into my personal life). I also dont hesitate to tell people, Id have to check my calendar, what about you? in response to this kind of question! I saved up enough to move out. 4. My go-to refusal of any invitation is I have other plans, and nobody needs to know whether my other plans are a work thing I cant get out of or a fun evening out or painting my toenails in front of Netflix. Sadly its never QUITE a lie, hahaha. See, shes trying to force you to perform niceness and capitulate because its hard to think of a way to get rid of her that wont make you look like a bitch not performing socially-mandatory niceness. If you cant imagine feeling the same way as the LW, that doesnt make the LWs feelings bad or less-than. Going to mars where children don't ask questions. Like, OK, were not people who talk to each other about our lives beyond the weather and traffic, cool. I dont give any indication as to what I am up to until they tell me what they are up to. I've Tried, but No One Listens Hopefully Not as Good as I'll Ever Be If I Was Any Better, Vitamins Would Be Taking Me Okay. Ive got[an alligator to befriend, etc]. You just reminded me of the ex-husband of a friend I used to know. It is perfectly ok to want some calm alone time or time with a cat watching Winter Olympics (that is actually great, our cats especially seem to love skiing) and no-one else really needs to know. The asker might want the invitee to give some input on what theyd like to do, but thats not the same as expecting them to do all the planning. He didnt mention it at all, and he wasnt big into ice skating in years past, so I assumed he probably just wasnt interested. I then fully expect to be the person who takes the next step of saying yay! They are asking whether you want to go on a date with them on Thursday. So, now give me my money back. Because this is very much a dumb conversation filler question and its not going to go away anytime soon. Everyone else usually stops after the how-are-yous are exchanged. . Can I get back to you later? In truth that is an honest answer, my schedule would fall like a house of cards without my calendar and unless it is an emergency I truly have to check it. Its also pretty casual, and most people automatically reply to that question because its so common. What are you up to this weekend? sounds like small talk, though it obviously depends if the asker is a known power-player. Are you busy? I agree!! Are you asking where are you from of every person you meet the first time, or only of those whose appearance/accent makes you suspect they are not from your locality? Mind you, I am white and middle aged and cis-passing, if not actually middle class OR a lady, so this may not work as well for everybody But I dont think you can compare me to your dad. One thing I think might be getting lost a bit in the discussion is the distinction between asking What are you doing this weekend as small talk indicating Im interested in your life (e.g. Two main reasons that I can see: 1) They want to get to know you better and talking about how you like to spend your weekend is often a great way to do that. But sometimes its manipulative, as LW also said. Same as being busy all the time rather than saying, No, I dont want to hang out. Its the more broad-scope? You?, Or ask when do you need an answer by as invitors do need to know for catering, planning and booking purposes. interactions that I think stand a significant chance of blowing up in peoples faces. Hey, dont you owe me one for babysitting last Onesday? No matter how old you are, you don't want to be badgered about your life choices. My answer to this question is almost invariably Not sure yet, why? or Havent quite decided, how about you?, This might elicit a Well I was just wondering if youd like to to which I will respond, That sounds better than what I was planning, count me in or Hmm, thanks for thinking of me but I dont think Ill be able to this time. Like Sounds great but tonight wouldnt work for me or Yknow what, Im pretty tired, I could have made something shorter work but that play will just be too much or just Hm, nah. You can change "because you have kids" to a variety of things, depending on whom you're talking to. This suitable during the Halloween period. They also influence how OFTEN. I wish the day also comes with a lot of fun and blessing for you. Them : Ah, then Ill get back to you (They never get back to you). In this post, we'll throw out tons of ways you can tackle this question, from funny to maybe even downright rude. You enjoy making this girl smile and make her day with your humor. Could be specific to where I am, though. Try these OOO messages to let people know you're taking a break. She can of course say, Im taking some mental-health time, and live with whatever fallout from being an unhelpful family member. From the sound of it, this is a dynamic already in place where LW faces various sorts of family opprobrium if LW turns down the cousin, and this is what LW is reacting to. So, it's important to read the situation and know how well the person asking you out will respond to a little joke. But I think it tracks beyond that particular experience. And then he goes around and rants to all his buddies that women are sooooooooooo shallow because she *wouldnt* date him based only on his appearance (yes, I know the flaming illogic is bizarre). If not, then they'll just think you're being cheeky, which of course, you are. But sometimes that comes across as I just dont want to, and thats pretty hurtful. You: Yeah, we should. (FWIW, Im not that extreme myself. I have other plans. But if you just asked me if I have plans and I just admitted that I dont, then yeah, it can look pretty rude or hurtful if you invite me to something and I have to decline. But if I dont, I have that empathy worry, like what if they only said yes because they felt like they couldnt say no? Which for neurotypical types, is something that may not be hard to adapt to, but youre kind of being set up to failbecause that kind of question is exactly the kind of thing you would have been taught to do in kindergarten. If Im 100% sure that I dont want to do the thing based on the asker I treat this as open license to complain about how busy I am. So the question layers, starting with are you free Saturday? Are a strategy Ive used to hopefully take the pressure off other people. Lots of commenters here are noting that people ask about weekend plans as small talk. Or And for that age range of teens into mid-twenties, its developmentally normal to not adult well in spaces/tasks/areas of endeavor where they cannot do so unsurveilled by childhood parental authority figures, but to abruptly adult extremely well and competently when freed from that surveillance. (I know that I dont want to is in fact a perfectly valid excuse. . Me: Fine, thanks. What to Say: "Thank you, I had a great weekend.". Yeah if I like the person and might be into it I usually friend-flirt with a depends on why!. What he sounds like to me is the dweebs in engineering school who would pull this routine. 2. Jana: I'm good. I have learned over my decade plus of retail experience that the key to small talk that doesnt annoy people is to feel out what they seem excited to talk about. I like these types are answers because they have the benefits of: 1. always being true, 2. requiring zero thought (e.g. What about you? But then theres her Im going to need you to be my helper for Christmas Day because Im getting older, and that doesnt seem so presumptuousits MY Christmas Day and MY extended family too.